The Sad State of RomCom (or, Jessica Alba: The Dead Eyes-ening)

To preface: Mordant was watching Good Luck Chuck and we discussed Jessica Alba's acting ability (a reference to the Special Olympics was made.) Mordant referred to her at one point as Jessica "Dead Eyes" Alba in reference either to her sadly underrated performance in that movie about the girl whose eyes saw scary things, or to the fact that she has the acting range of a tea kettle.

[00:28] MmeMordant: she loves the dead eyes
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: dead eyes are great for spotting economic problems
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: JESSICA ALBA FOR SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY!
[00:29] MmeMordant: hahaha
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: so, there's this creepy new Levi's commercial
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: of this guy getting up to leave the morning after a one night stand
[00:30] MmeMordant: "this isn't my apartment"?
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: and there's this black guy singing the blues about how it's better not to "leave some things undone"
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: and it's just creepy
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: like, leaving before the person you slept with is understandable
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: but the fact that there's a random black guy sitting in her apartment singing about the fact that the guy is leaving is kinda....
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: disconcerting
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: like
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: was he involved in the previous night's activities?
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: Or is he just a character commenting from outside the realm of the characters?
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: AND SINCE WHEN DO COMMERCIALS NEED TO BE SUBJECTED TO FILMIC ANALYSIS!
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: ?
[00:32] MmeMordant: fucking constantly
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: christ
[00:33] Hundlebottoms: I want commercials to be like they were. "Where's the beef? Oh, it's in this product, therefore I will buy it. The end"
[00:34] Hundlebottoms: now it's "The world is messed up, and my life is turned upside down because of all the uncertainty in the world. I don't know what's going to happen anymore. All of these questions are being made manifest by the fact that there's no beef in this product. Of course! All of the problems I have can be solved by this product which contains beef!! And cheap, renewable energy"
[00:34] Hundlebottoms: Vote Matt Hundley
[00:34] MmeMordant: Matt Hundley for Vice Jessica Alba
[00:35] Hundlebottoms: All Hail the Eyes of the Dead

This follows...a conversation that took place while we were discussing what to put in the preface. As you can see, I decided not to include a reference to any of Alba's works.

[00:44] Hundlebottoms: I'm trying to work a P.U.N.K.S. reference in
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: but I can't figure out where
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: ideas?
[00:45] MmeMordant: I'm not familiar with P.U.N.K.S
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: it was pre: Dark Angel, so not many people cared about it
[00:46] Hundlebottoms: ...I could just replace it with a Dark Angel reference
[00:47] Hundlebottoms: I wish I didn't know so much about Jessica Alba's career
[00:47] MmeMordant: I wish you didn't know so much either
[00:48] Hundlebottoms: I can only hope that one day, it'll pay off
[00:48] Hundlebottoms: like
[00:49] Hundlebottoms: "Jessica Alba took home Gold in the 2000 Special Olympics for Acting for what short-lived Fox Series directed by James Cameron?"
[00:49] MmeMordant: lol
[00:49] MmeMordant: you could be the premier jessica alba scholar
[00:50] Hundlebottoms: My secret life-plan is to replace James Lipton
[00:50] MmeMordant: your iced tea will DOMINATE
[00:50] Hundlebottoms: and then interview Jessica Alba so I can make up adjectives in order to describe her acting prowess
[00:51] MmeMordant: deadeyesitudinous
[00:51] Hundlebottoms: lestasticulous
[00:51] Hundlebottoms: Then, mid-interview, I'll ask her to marry me
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: and really, my plan falls apart there
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: I was going to make a Polanski-Tate joke
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: but the set-up was just too much for the pay off
[00:56] MmeMordant: fair enough
[00:57] Hundlebottoms: brb, gotta purchase my ticket for the failboat
[00:58] Hundlebottoms: HONK HONK
[00:58] MmeMordant: lol


The next day, the excitement continued.

Hundlebottoms (2:11:36 AM): So, I'm watching There's something about Mary

Hundlebottoms (2:11:56 AM): and I'm realizing that romantic comedies now are but a mere shadow of what they once were

MmeMordant (2:12:21 AM): absolutely!

MmeMordant (2:12:46 AM): I mean, look at His Girl Friday

MmeMordant (2:12:49 AM): that's a romantic comedy

Hundlebottoms (2:13:14 AM): and such a good one, at that

MmeMordant (2:13:35 AM): with each new film, romcoms just get more homogenized

MmeMordant (2:14:07 AM): but there's this forced originality going on at the same time

Hundlebottoms (2:14:08 AM): it's the formulaic plots that get on my nerves

Hundlebottoms (2:14:13 AM): yes!

Hundlebottoms (2:14:25 AM): hidden by various types of originality

MmeMordant (2:14:53 AM): like, I finally finished watching Good Luck Chuck

MmeMordant (2:15:07 AM): there's a movie stunted by formula and contrivance

MmeMordant (2:15:21 AM): apparently, watching dane cook and jessica alba fall in love wasn't good enough

MmeMordant (2:15:36 AM): so dane cook had to have a magic spell put on him and jessica alba had to be clumsy and obsessed with penguins

Hundlebottoms (2:15:54 AM): well

Hundlebottoms (2:16:05 AM): she's only clumsy cause she's tripping over the horrible things her dead eyes are showing her

MmeMordant (2:16:35 AM): "oh god an aborted fetus" *falls comically into penguin lagoon*

Hundlebottoms (2:17:05 AM): Dane Cook: Oh god, why am I so insatiably drawn to such a clumsy, clumsy girl?

Hundlebottoms (2:17:14 AM): Audience: hahahahahahahaha

Hundlebottoms (2:17:18 AM): penguins