On Seven Pounds

MmeMordant (5:25:51 PM): is it weird that I'm glad that Seven Pounds is bad?
hundlebottoms (5:25:57 PM): nope
hundlebottoms (5:26:03 PM): I'm glad it is, too
MmeMordant (5:26:07 PM): it looks soooo obnoxious
hundlebottoms (5:26:14 PM): zomg, a movie where you have to figure out what the title means!
hundlebottoms (5:26:18 PM): WHAT A TWIST!
MmeMordant (5:26:21 PM): lol
hundlebottoms (5:27:08 PM): The movie would have had the same effect if it was called "The Number 7 appears a lot in this movie, so it could apply to a lot, but we're not going to tell you exactly what it means and it's up to you to figure out. TO THE IMDB BOARDS!"
MmeMordant (5:27:22 PM): lol
MmeMordant (5:27:28 PM): HE'S JESUS
MmeMordant (5:27:36 PM): He's already dead!
hundlebottoms (5:28:41 PM): IT'S HOW MUCH HIS BABY WEIGHS
hundlebottoms (5:28:50 PM): SEVEN POUNDS OF FLESH FOR THE SEVEN SINS HE COMMITTED
MmeMordant (5:29:08 PM): seven swans a swimming
MmeMordant (5:29:20 PM): he killed the seven dwarves
hundlebottoms (5:29:22 PM): ZOMG SECRET CHRISTMAS MOVIE!
hundlebottoms (5:29:35 PM): he broke the 7 seals
hundlebottoms (5:29:40 PM): and sailed the 7 seas
MmeMordant (5:29:59 PM): on the seven continents
hundlebottoms (5:30:12 PM): while staring at the 7 sisters
MmeMordant (5:30:15 PM): he raped the seven principle characters of rent
hundlebottoms (5:30:24 PM): and got seven cases of AIDS
MmeMordant (5:30:46 PM): maybe the movie has something to do with mickey mantle
hundlebottoms (5:30:57 PM): Or he's just very lucky
hundlebottoms (5:31:15 PM): and the whole "his life changed in 7 seconds thing" was him breaking a mirror
hundlebottoms (5:31:19 PM): FOR 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK!
MmeMordant (5:31:34 PM): it's a remake of that lindsay lohan movie
MmeMordant (5:31:35 PM): !!
hundlebottoms (5:31:57 PM): This needs to go up on that website we've been neglecting

Comprehensive TV Preview, TMM-style

MmeMordant (4:52:04 PM): zomg, fox has a laugh-track comedy this season

Hundlebottoms (4:52:24 PM): really?

Hundlebottoms (4:52:27 PM): Does it look any good?

MmeMordant (4:52:46 PM): "do not disturb". starring Kangaroo Jack's Jerry O'Connell and Reno 911's sassy black Niecy Nash

MmeMordant (4:52:53 PM): who looks like she lost about 75 pounds

Hundlebottoms (4:52:59 PM): wow

MmeMordant (4:53:19 PM): it's about a Hotel

Hundlebottoms (4:53:52 PM): hmmm, must internet it

MmeMordant (4:54:15 PM): !!! the director is jason bateman

Hundlebottoms (4:54:25 PM): I was just about to gasm over that as well

MmeMordant (4:54:42 PM): and is the ginger guy henry from Ugly Betty

MmeMordant (4:54:47 PM): if so, we are watching this, I don't even care

Hundlebottoms (4:55:53 PM): lol, agreed

Hundlebottoms (4:55:56 PM): I think it is

MmeMordant (4:56:35 PM): looks like him, but he's not on the cast list on fox.com

Hundlebottoms (4:56:39 PM): It's written by the guy who did Arrested Devleopment

MmeMordant (4:56:53 PM):then it can't be that bad

MmeMordant (4:56:55 PM): suck it, av club

Hundlebottoms (4:56:58 PM): hahahaha

Hundlebottoms (4:57:05 PM): did the av club hate it?

MmeMordant (4:57:25 PM): "Jerry O'Connell plays the role he was born to play since he lost all his Stand By Me weight: the smarmy, superficial general manager of a hip, five-star NYC hotel. Niecy Nash of Reno 911 is the hotel's HR director, and just a sassy pot of sass. Together, O'Connell and Nash represent the always-clashing upstairs and downstairs staffs that make up this crazy workplace sitcom.

MmeMordant (4:57:32 PM): Do Not Disturb bears a passing resemblance to the BBC's luxury-hotel drama Hotel Babylon, in that both series are behind-the-scenes looks at luxury hotels. But Hotel Babylon doesn't have a cliché sassy black lady, or a cliché blonde anorexic, or the charming particleboard sets and laugh tracks of all Fox sitcoms. It's also been on the air for four years, whereas Do Not Disturb's laugh track will probably start to ring hollow about four minutes into the pilot."

Hundlebottoms (4:58:06 PM): hmm

Hundlebottoms (4:58:23 PM): silly elitists

MmeMordant (4:58:55 PM): seriously

MmeMordant (4:59:30 PM): HIMYM has a laugh track, and it's like ten times greater than half of all one-camera sitcoms

MmeMordant (5:00:15 PM): AHH, did you ever watch The Class

Hundlebottoms (5:00:37 PM): no, I never did see that one

MmeMordant (5:01:01 PM): it was really awful and terrible

MmeMordant (5:01:04 PM): except for the ginger guy

MmeMordant (5:01:09 PM): and he's the ginger guy in this new hotel show

Hundlebottoms (5:02:19 PM): ahhh

MmeMordant (5:02:49 PM): also, next season FX will have a show called "Testees"

Hundlebottoms (5:03:01 PM): teehee

Hundlebottoms (5:03:18 PM): intarwebs, go!

MmeMordant (5:04:14 PM): south park writer

MmeMordant (5:04:19 PM): but it's the guy from Kenny v Spenny

MmeMordant (5:04:42 PM): it

MmeMordant (5:04:47 PM): 's about product testing

MmeMordant (5:04:52 PM): I'm curious enough to be excited

Hundlebottoms (5:05:09 PM): oooooo

MmeMordant (5:05:17 PM):
(from Zap2It)The series centers on Peter (Steve Markle) and Ron (Jeff Kassel), two roommates who earn their living as test subjects for a company called TESTICO. Each episode will find them ingesting or being otherwise exposed to a new product and then waiting for the (nearly always) negative side effects to kick in while trying to lead some semblance of a normal life.

Hundlebottoms (5:05:38 PM): oooooooooh, neat

MmeMordant (5:05:43 PM): indeed

MmeMordant (5:06:55 PM): is it weird that ever since we started the blog, I've been thinking of every conversation as a blog post

Hundlebottoms (5:07:08 PM): no, cause I'm doing the same thing

MmeMordant (5:07:19 PM): haha, nice

Hundlebottoms (5:07:33 PM): mostly it's just that I've noticed our conversations have a very good tone for commenting on things

MmeMordant (5:08:24 PM): because we're awesome

The Sad State of RomCom (or, Jessica Alba: The Dead Eyes-ening)

To preface: Mordant was watching Good Luck Chuck and we discussed Jessica Alba's acting ability (a reference to the Special Olympics was made.) Mordant referred to her at one point as Jessica "Dead Eyes" Alba in reference either to her sadly underrated performance in that movie about the girl whose eyes saw scary things, or to the fact that she has the acting range of a tea kettle.

[00:28] MmeMordant: she loves the dead eyes
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: dead eyes are great for spotting economic problems
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: JESSICA ALBA FOR SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY!
[00:29] MmeMordant: hahaha
[00:29] Hundlebottoms: so, there's this creepy new Levi's commercial
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: of this guy getting up to leave the morning after a one night stand
[00:30] MmeMordant: "this isn't my apartment"?
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: and there's this black guy singing the blues about how it's better not to "leave some things undone"
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: and it's just creepy
[00:30] Hundlebottoms: like, leaving before the person you slept with is understandable
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: but the fact that there's a random black guy sitting in her apartment singing about the fact that the guy is leaving is kinda....
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: disconcerting
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: like
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: was he involved in the previous night's activities?
[00:31] Hundlebottoms: Or is he just a character commenting from outside the realm of the characters?
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: AND SINCE WHEN DO COMMERCIALS NEED TO BE SUBJECTED TO FILMIC ANALYSIS!
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: ?
[00:32] MmeMordant: fucking constantly
[00:32] Hundlebottoms: christ
[00:33] Hundlebottoms: I want commercials to be like they were. "Where's the beef? Oh, it's in this product, therefore I will buy it. The end"
[00:34] Hundlebottoms: now it's "The world is messed up, and my life is turned upside down because of all the uncertainty in the world. I don't know what's going to happen anymore. All of these questions are being made manifest by the fact that there's no beef in this product. Of course! All of the problems I have can be solved by this product which contains beef!! And cheap, renewable energy"
[00:34] Hundlebottoms: Vote Matt Hundley
[00:34] MmeMordant: Matt Hundley for Vice Jessica Alba
[00:35] Hundlebottoms: All Hail the Eyes of the Dead

This follows...a conversation that took place while we were discussing what to put in the preface. As you can see, I decided not to include a reference to any of Alba's works.

[00:44] Hundlebottoms: I'm trying to work a P.U.N.K.S. reference in
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: but I can't figure out where
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: ideas?
[00:45] MmeMordant: I'm not familiar with P.U.N.K.S
[00:45] Hundlebottoms: it was pre: Dark Angel, so not many people cared about it
[00:46] Hundlebottoms: ...I could just replace it with a Dark Angel reference
[00:47] Hundlebottoms: I wish I didn't know so much about Jessica Alba's career
[00:47] MmeMordant: I wish you didn't know so much either
[00:48] Hundlebottoms: I can only hope that one day, it'll pay off
[00:48] Hundlebottoms: like
[00:49] Hundlebottoms: "Jessica Alba took home Gold in the 2000 Special Olympics for Acting for what short-lived Fox Series directed by James Cameron?"
[00:49] MmeMordant: lol
[00:49] MmeMordant: you could be the premier jessica alba scholar
[00:50] Hundlebottoms: My secret life-plan is to replace James Lipton
[00:50] MmeMordant: your iced tea will DOMINATE
[00:50] Hundlebottoms: and then interview Jessica Alba so I can make up adjectives in order to describe her acting prowess
[00:51] MmeMordant: deadeyesitudinous
[00:51] Hundlebottoms: lestasticulous
[00:51] Hundlebottoms: Then, mid-interview, I'll ask her to marry me
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: and really, my plan falls apart there
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: I was going to make a Polanski-Tate joke
[00:54] Hundlebottoms: but the set-up was just too much for the pay off
[00:56] MmeMordant: fair enough
[00:57] Hundlebottoms: brb, gotta purchase my ticket for the failboat
[00:58] Hundlebottoms: HONK HONK
[00:58] MmeMordant: lol


The next day, the excitement continued.

Hundlebottoms (2:11:36 AM): So, I'm watching There's something about Mary

Hundlebottoms (2:11:56 AM): and I'm realizing that romantic comedies now are but a mere shadow of what they once were

MmeMordant (2:12:21 AM): absolutely!

MmeMordant (2:12:46 AM): I mean, look at His Girl Friday

MmeMordant (2:12:49 AM): that's a romantic comedy

Hundlebottoms (2:13:14 AM): and such a good one, at that

MmeMordant (2:13:35 AM): with each new film, romcoms just get more homogenized

MmeMordant (2:14:07 AM): but there's this forced originality going on at the same time

Hundlebottoms (2:14:08 AM): it's the formulaic plots that get on my nerves

Hundlebottoms (2:14:13 AM): yes!

Hundlebottoms (2:14:25 AM): hidden by various types of originality

MmeMordant (2:14:53 AM): like, I finally finished watching Good Luck Chuck

MmeMordant (2:15:07 AM): there's a movie stunted by formula and contrivance

MmeMordant (2:15:21 AM): apparently, watching dane cook and jessica alba fall in love wasn't good enough

MmeMordant (2:15:36 AM): so dane cook had to have a magic spell put on him and jessica alba had to be clumsy and obsessed with penguins

Hundlebottoms (2:15:54 AM): well

Hundlebottoms (2:16:05 AM): she's only clumsy cause she's tripping over the horrible things her dead eyes are showing her

MmeMordant (2:16:35 AM): "oh god an aborted fetus" *falls comically into penguin lagoon*

Hundlebottoms (2:17:05 AM): Dane Cook: Oh god, why am I so insatiably drawn to such a clumsy, clumsy girl?

Hundlebottoms (2:17:14 AM): Audience: hahahahahahahaha

Hundlebottoms (2:17:18 AM): penguins

Awesome things my hair does in the morning

Look at that. Even after I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like it could fight Wonderwoman and win. Okay, maybe not Wonderwoman. Maybe The Red Bee. REGARDLESS. My hair can defeat superheroes after I wake up. That is what is important here, and there is a reason I believe my hair could defeat a superhero.

Look at the left side of my head. The crescent shaped craziness that's going on. If I could figure out how to do that to my entire head, I would. Then, I would look like The villain from The Incredibles. And how many superheroes did he mutilate on his Island of Death? Several. Why? It's the hair. How? The Hair. And millions of dollars spent on machines that would rip your fucking intestines out.



Your fucking intestines out.

And it begins...

MmeMordant (1:53:16 AM): my fall sitcoms coming back give me a reason to live

Hundlebottoms (1:53:18 AM): with much rejoycing and wine

Hundlebottoms (1:53:23 AM): omg, me too

Hundlebottoms (1:53:24 AM): the office

Hundlebottoms (1:53:27 AM): 30 rock

Hundlebottoms (1:53:33 AM): Heroes

MmeMordant (1:53:40 AM): How I Met Your Mother

Hundlebottoms (1:53:46 AM): I haven't seen that one

MmeMordant (1:53:49 AM): with god as my witness, I'm going to get you into that

Hundlebottoms (1:53:53 AM): hahahaha

MmeMordant (1:53:56 AM): NPH. mutherfucking nph

Hundlebottoms (1:53:56 AM): I don't doubt it

Hundlebottoms (1:54:02 AM): and I'm in

Hundlebottoms (1:54:17 AM): have you seen It's Always Sunny in Philedelphia?

MmeMordant (1:54:33 AM): fuck yeah, I saw it premiere

Hundlebottoms (1:54:44 AM): my brother's totally addicted to it

Hundlebottoms (1:55:04 AM): I've seen a few episodes, and thanks to STC and Hulu, I'm gonna watch ALL OF IT

MmeMordant (1:56:23 AM): haha

MmeMordant (1:56:26 AM): a noble goal

Hundlebottoms (1:59:32 AM): but anyways

Hundlebottoms (1:59:41 AM): Bela Karolyi actually cried the other night

Hundlebottoms (1:59:48 AM): cause the judging has been so awful

Hundlebottoms (2:00:10 AM): Bela Karolyi, who survived the horrors of Stalinism and East Germany cried

MmeMordant (2:00:30 AM): he DEFEATED Stalinism and East Germany

Hundlebottoms (2:00:39 AM): with one single backflip

MmeMordant (2:00:40 AM): using the power of GYMNASTICS

Hundlebottoms (2:00:47 AM): then he yelled at himself for not sticking the landing

MmeMordant (2:01:05 AM): he burned himself with a cigarette

Hundlebottoms (2:01:24 AM): and took his cat away

MmeMordant (2:01:46 AM): but then it shot him with a laser

MmeMordant (2:02:17 AM): is it just me, or is bill hader like the 1.5th most attractive member of the superbad cast

Hundlebottoms (2:03:04 AM): um, yes

Hundlebottoms (2:03:15 AM): I do have to say that Seth Rogan was really attractive in that, too

MmeMordant (2:03:21 AM): michael cera is #1, but he doesn't count because he would never fuck me

Hundlebottoms (2:03:23 AM): something about that handlebar moustache

MmeMordant (2:03:25 AM): but bill hader might

MmeMordant (2:03:27 AM): hence the half

MmeMordant (2:03:39 AM): he's not hot in superbad, but he is in laser cats

Hundlebottoms (2:04:25 AM): Also, Michael Cera would totally fuck you. He told me so last night

Hundlebottoms (2:04:36 AM): after we had awkward orange tic-tac sex

MmeMordant (2:04:52 AM): you fucked my celebrity third boyfriend? HOW COULD YOU

Hundlebottoms (2:05:12 AM): I think the only way I can deal with what's to come is to become extraordinarly witty and learn to play the guitarl

Hundlebottoms (2:05:14 AM): guitar*

Hundlebottoms (2:05:38 AM): (being Juno knocked-up, I mean)

MmeMordant (2:05:46 AM): then his arrested development dad will try to put his penis in your vagina

Hundlebottoms (2:06:04 AM): wouldn't mind that, either

Hundlebottoms (2:06:18 AM): hell, I'd probably let Jennifer Garner put her penis in my vagina

Hundlebottoms (2:07:22 AM): cause, Jennifer Garner totally wanted to have sex with Juno, too

Hundlebottoms (2:07:39 AM): and that's why she'll never grow up, cause everyone will want to have sex with her while she's a witty, acid-tounged teenager

MmeMordant (2:08:04 AM): instead of a witty, acid-tongued bitchmouth

MmeMordant (2:08:19 AM): of an executive assistant

Hundlebottoms (2:08:31 AM): orrrrrrr

MmeMordant (2:08:32 AM): getting janeane garofalo's sloppy seconds

Hundlebottoms (2:08:41 AM): a writer for an SNL-like TV show

Hundlebottoms (2:08:54 AM): being constantly berated by Arec Bardwin

MmeMordant (2:09:11 AM): At first I thought that was a simple spelling error

MmeMordant (2:09:13 AM): how naive